BW: Why waste time. Everyone wants to know, what will be the weather be for Super Bowl XLVIII next Sunday at the Meadow-lands in New Jersey?
MN: What do you expect, dude. It’s February in the Northeast. It will be cold, it will probably snow, and it might even rain, possibly all at the same time.
BW: Hey, this is the NFL you are messing with, quite possibly the most profitable business in our country, outside of Exxon, Walmart and McDonalds.
MN: Business? Football is a game.
BW: Not in our country. Folks are paying $2,000 or more for a ticket.
MN: Wow. Glad I can see it for free.
BW: Surely, you must not like the cold either. Why not bring a sudden warming trend to New York, and possibly even to Bluefield too?
MN: Hmmmmm....no to either one. I don’t get cold, hot, or even medium for that matter. And, don’t call me Shirley.
BW: Isn’t that selfish on your part?
MN: Perhaps, but I like being in charge, kind of like your commander-in-chief.
BW: Well, it isn’t always freezing, snowing and raining on Feb. 2, there are times when it is a balmy 50 degrees, or at least 40.
MN: Don’t count on it for this week.
BW: There was a time when Super Bowls were played in domes. The one time the NFL decides to award the game to a cold weather city with a stadium and no roof, this happens.
MN: Hey, this is my revenge. They have tried to shut me out for too long, but this year is my chance to get some attention, and I am going to enjoy every minute of it.
BW: All these media talking heads have been worried about the weather ever since the NFL put the game in New York. Now their worst fears are coming true, bad weather, gridlock, outrageous ticket prices, all those Peyton Manning audibles and wobbly passes in the wind, and Richard Sherman scaring everyone with another post-game rant.
MN: Oh, I heard Sherman last week. I have to admit, I didn’t know much about him.
BW: Neither did a lot of us, but you will hear plenty about him in the week ahead.
MN: I did hear there will be a Mars sighting, that might be kind of cool.
BW: Real cool. It is actually Bruno Mars, who will be doing the halftime show.
MN: Never heard of him.
BW: Me either, but back to football. You must not be a football fan?
MN: What? Indeed, I am.
BW: Then, why not give us all a break.
MN: Hey, some of the greatest games ever played in the NFL have come in weather I have created, from snow, cold, rain, sleet, fog, and many of those have come all at once. For too long I have been shut out of the outcome.
BW: But, but, but....this is the Super Bowl.
MN: What’s so Super about it?
BW: It’s the biggest game of the year. It is America’s pastime. America stops everything on this particular day, even if they aren’t football fans.
MN: I thought baseball was America’s pastime.
BW: Not for about 50 years. All those night World Series games have eliminated an entire generation of fans who would now rather kick a soccer ball or listen to Bruno Mars.
MN: Sounds like baseball has a problem.
BW: It does, a B.S. (Bud Selig) problem, but back to football. There is even talk of moving Sunday’s game to Monday if the weather is too bad.
MN: How silly. It is a football game, is it supposed to be cold.
BW: Not in the minds of many who love the NFL, or all those corporate types, the only folks who can afford to attend a Super Bowl. They don’t do cold.
MN: They will on Sunday.
BW: Not very helpful, are you.
MN: Afraid not. Hey, as long as football has been played, it’s been played in whatever weather I provide.
BW: That is true, but this is the biggest game of all. Shouldn’t it be played indoors under a dome with ideal conditions:
MN: What are you, a Peyton Manning fan?
BW: He does tend to have trouble with cold and wind. Just ask the national media, they will write about it enough this week. He dislikes bad weather, Gators and Tom Brady, at least until last week.
MN: Who says inclement weather is a bad thing? Adverse conditions make for entertaining games, and all because of me.
BW: That is true, but the Super Bowl is more than a football game. It’s an event, and folks from all over the world will be congregating for the biggest game of the year. Surely you could make an exception for a few days, at least on Sunday?
MN: In reality, I have. The high temperature will be 38, the low around 28, and there is a 40 percent change of some type of wintry mix.
BW: How is that any help?
MN: Hey, be glad it’s not Tuesday, when the high will be 17, or Wednesday, when it rises to 19. The lows on those days will drop to 2 and 8. Sunday will actually be the warmest day in New York in the next seven days.
BW: Brrr...I guess you are right, but what about the always-anticipated Super Bowl media day, which is always held on the field on Tuesday?
MN: They thought of that. They moved it indoors to Newark. They will pay.
BW: How so?
MN: Remember how Manning struggles in cold and wind? He will get both and plenty of it on Sunday.
BW: That seems mean. Isn’t that an advantage for the Seahawks?
MN: Could be, but don’t call me no Seahawks fan? All that noise is hard on my ears.
BW: Who are you pulling for?
MN: Neither team. How about a tie. I always cheer for Hurricanes, Tornadoes, Heat, Thunder, Red Storm, Crimson Tide, Green Wave, Suns, Lightning, Earthquakes and anything related to weather. There are none of those in the NFL so I don’t care for either team.
BW: Me either. My Chargers are sitting at home again.
MN: Might be time to pick another team.
BW: Never. Oh well, I can’t seem to get anywhere on the Super Bowl. How about warmer weather down this way. Basketball season is fast slipping by, and it would be nice to actually play a few games.
MN: Hey, that is supposed to be the ‘Air-Conditioned City’. It should be really cool right now.
BW: It is. Too cool. That is the point. Spring can’t come soon enough. This is supposed to be Four Seasons Country, but we have been seeing only one season for weeks now.
MN: Hey, deal with it. You will be complaining about the heat before too long.
BW: Probably so, but I will take my chances. What can I write here to convince you for a little help.
MN: Not a thing. Don’t you know, nobody messes with Mother Nature. Not even the big, bad NFL.
Brian Woodson is the sports editor for the Daily Telegraph. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @bdtwoodson.