— While I watched the presidential debate, two thoughts kept running through my head:
Did he really say he had a binder full of women?
Who are these undecided voters and what is taking them so long to decide?
So I Googled “undecided voters” and got a hold of the agent for one of them. That’s right. Undecided voters are in such demand now that they have agents. The agent’s name was Tommy “Swifty” Carbone.
“Mr. Carbone,” I said, before he cut me off.
“Swifty,” he said.
So I repeated myself much faster.
“I said ‘Swifty’ not ‘Swiftly,” he told me.
“Oh, sorry. Anyway Mr. Swifty, would it be possible to talk to your client about being an undecided voter?”
“Just a second, I’ll check,” Swifty said, putting me on hold.
After a few minutes Swifty came back on the phone.
“He’s not sure,” Swifty said, and then he let out a big sigh.
“I see,” I said. Then I paused for a second before asking. “Does he do that a lot?”
“All the time. It drives me crazy. It’s like there’s no talking to this guy,” Swifty said.
I asked Swifty why he thinks his client is taking so long to decide which candidate to support.
“Normally I wouldn’t talk about a client without his permission, but I’m not sure he’s actually my client,” Swifty said.
“Don’t you have a contract with him?”
“Sort of, but he hasn’t signed it. He said he can’t decide if he wants an agent. But when I started to leave, he told me that he wanted me to be his agent. But when I came back into the room, he said he wasn’t sure. And then ... well you get the idea,” Swifty said.
“Must be annoying,” I said.
“You have no idea,” Swifty said.
“How did everyone find out that he couldn’t make up his mind?” I asked.
“It started with just one phone call. Some bored person, working for one of those survey groups, called him, and when he said he wasn’t sure who he was going to vote for, the bored guy quickly passed him onto someone else, who passed him onto someone else, and the next thing he knew there were three satellite TV trucks in his driveway,” Swifty said.
“Has anyone ever asked him why he’s still undecided?” I asked.
“That’s just it,” Swifty said. “No one seems to care. All they care about is that he’s undecided.”
“What sort of attention has he received in the past few weeks?” I asked Swifty.
“Anderson Cooper has been to his house twice. The people from FOX News took him to Disney World. And Kid Rock showed up at his house to perform a concert in his backyard, but all the neighbors complained and made him leave.”
“What about Springsteen?” I asked.
“Oh, they let him perform,” Swifty said.
“So how long do you think he will keep this up? I mean, the election is Nov. 6. He’ll have to make a decision soon,” I said.
“I asked that very question yesterday, and he said he wasn’t sure,” Swifty said.
“He wasn’t sure who he would vote for or he wasn’t sure when he would decide?” I asked.
“Neither,” Swifty said. “He said he wasn’t sure he was even going to vote.”
“WHY THAT %$$%&**$#$!” I exclaimed.
“Tell me about it,” Swifty said.
Mike Pound is a columnist for The Joplin (Mo.) Globe. Contact him at email@example.com.