Bluefield Daily Telegraph, Bluefield, WV

National and World

January 5, 2014

Coming in 2014: Legal weed for women, honor roll for everyone, free handguns

(Continued)

“As the president has demonstrated in his courageous leadership of this country, true fiscal responsibility is not about paying your bills but getting a higher credit limit,” she says. “It would be un-American for predatory lenders to undermine that.”

April

Hillary Clinton schedules an interview with all the major broadcast and cable networks to announce that she has not yet decided whether to run for president, and that she will commence a speaking and fundraising tour of all 50 states to spread the word.

“The election is not until 2016,” she says, pounding the table for emphasis, “so what difference, at this point, does it make?”

May

Time magazine revokes its “Man of the Year” selection of Pope Francis, after the pontiff issues a statement calling for people to respect the sanctity of life, including life in the womb.

Asked about the unprecedented move, a Time spokesman says, “It was fine as long as he was attacking capitalism in general and America in particular. But now he’s just another religious extremist, trying to impose his values on everybody else. We don’t want to reward that.”

June

President Obama announces that, as the first step of his campaign to eliminate inequality in America, all public school students will henceforth be named to the honor roll.

“It’s not fair for the more fortunate to get these awards,” he says, “and besides, with more than 75 percent of students making the honor roll anyway, it won’t be that much of a change.”

July

Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos announces a contract with the National Security Agency to distribute and install surveillance cameras throughout the country, with his new fleet of drones.

“It’s a win-win,” Bezos says. “The NSA will be better equipped to fight terrorism by spying on everyone, and we will prove we can deliver packages to every address in the nation. And don’t worry – unless you have something to hide, you have nothing to fear.”

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